Confused

My balls hurt.

To be specific, my left testicle hurts. It's the chastity device. It's designed to fit securely and tightly behind the balls, so it squeezes pretty hard.

Turns out that the testicles aren't the only part of my body that hurts when squeezed-- it's also the cords, the like... ducts or whatever, that go from the balls up into the body. And I guess they are getting squeezed hard enough that it is causing a constant ache all the way up inside my abdomen and hips.

I want to get this thing off, but my arrangement with Katie is for Wednesday evening-- tomorrow afternoon. Damn.

This is the first time I tried to take the device off, too. Before I've always been committed to toughing it out, but this time the frustration got to me. Katie and Charlotte are fucking every other day at Katie's place, and I am watching it all, and getting it on video, but can't do shit because my cock is locked up.

I got fed up Monday night and tried to get the thing off.

I am absolutely certain I could get this thing off, it's just a matter of how much pain I am willing to endure. The metal loop behind my balls is really tight. I tried getting one testicle through it and stopped halfway because it was hurting. I could do it, but... it hurts.

That might be some of why my left ball is aching. It was the first one I tried shoving back through the loop.

I also did what I had planned to do for some time-- fuck myself with the dildo up my ass while in chastity. Fuck, that was... a mixture of unpleasant and a real turn-on.

The dildo went flat on the floor and I sat on it, to make sure I could ram it all the way home. I imagined Katie shoving it up my ass without mercy. In fact, I even begged out loud. "Katie, please... please that really hurts. Oh fuck... damn, that is deep. Katie, please have mercy on my ass!"

I turned on a timer for ten minutes to make sure I fucked myself for that long. I regretted it, I think, but on the other hand the feeling that I was unable to touch myself while being ass fucked against my will was what I was looking for and it was incredibly hot. I just wish I had the key now and could take this thing off.

Maddie was pushing to come over tonight. I had to say no because of the risk she would want to make out or something, and feel the device on my genitals.

I am wondering why I am doing this-- it is one of the strangest things. Getting off sexually by keeping myself from getting off sexually. This chastity device is a contradiction in terms.

I've decided that a lot of it is that Katie has the key. It isn't just that I am locked up. It's that I have given control to Katie. There is something weird in my mind where I love the idea of that gorgeous woman taking control. I fantasize about her hurting me, even. I think what it would be like to have her actually lock me up.

On the other hand, fucking Maddie is the real thing. Down deep I actually want to fuck Katie-- I want her to control me and give me orgasms. I want to be inside her, and then I want her to lock me up and decide my cock's fate.

Mostly I want to be inside Katie, it's what I dream of when inside Maddie.

Fuck, I have no idea what I want.